Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Sqweel Go

For today's review, I'll be looking at the Sqweel Go by Lovehoney. This is the latest iteration of the Sqweel, and I have the Sqweel 2 review here. As always, click any image to see a larger version!


Versus the Sqweel 2:
 Bottom/charging point:
 In motion:

The Sqweel Go1 was a very pleasant surprise for me- I was initially worried that due to it's tiny size it simply wouldn't cut it. Instead, it quickly became my favored Sqweel. At around three inches long, it's half the size of my palm and very easy to manipulate. Although it's loud for a toy its size, in the grand scheme of things, it's a reasonable volume. This Sqweel has three speeds and three patterns, and charges via usb port. It charges for two hours for an hour of play, and glows blue while charging. The wheel does not detach for sterilization like in the previous two versions; this is unfortunate as it would probably make for a great rimming toy. This toy requires a ton of water-based lube for it's size, and the easiest application is to roll the Sqweel through a palm full of lube.2  

As with the previous Sqweels, though they are marketed as oral sex stimulators, they simply don't feel like it.3 This Sqweel is especially great at nipple stimulation and piercing stimulation. In fact if it weren't for my vch piercing, I doubt I would have enjoyed this toy simply as a foreplay tool. With my piercing out, I found the Sqweel Go to be too featherlight for any notable orgasms. Unfortunately I don't have any other piercings to compare it to, but the Sqweel Go is the only external vibrator I've used so far that is purely pleasurable against my piercing.

Unfortunately the Sqweel Go still has a major pitfall that the other Sqweels have- when pressure is applied, it stops rotating. Though this Sqweel is a little faster than the Sqweel 2, it's still not strong enough to withstand moving hips. Unless you're really into edge play, this is one of the most annoying faults when approaching orgasm. It's also fairly difficult to clean as the wheel doesn't detach. The tininess of the tongues also cover less area than previous sqweels, which may be unattractive to some users. Due to its small size though, it can be used easily with insertable toys. The Sqweel Go is not waterproof, though it is splash proof, so cleaning needs to be done carefully to avoid water getting in the motor. Cleaning the tongues with a toothbrush and then washing them off by rotation under running water seems to be the best way to clean this toy. Alternatively one could use a toy cleaner or wipes.

All in all, the Sqweel 2 is a better bet if you're looking for a toy to stimulate rimming or want larger areas covered, and you don't mind a loud toy. The Sqweel Go is superior for foreplay- especially nipple play, using with other toys, and piercing stimulation. 

1 I can't stop imagining a small dog named Sqweel, and yelling at the dog to go fetch something.  
2 Please use lube with this toy. It's not worth the awkward dry tugs and pulls to save a few drops of lube.
3 I'm betting on the lack of warmth, breath, and that the ten tongues can only rotate rather than do randomized motions.

Grade Breakdown: 90

Value: 3/5
A bit pricey, and the
same cost as the Sqweel 2.

Aesthetics: 19/20
Pretty adorable.

Pleasure: 68/75
Intended Functionality: 0/5
Simply doesn't feel like oral sex.
Reusability: 18/20
A bit annoying to clean.
Best Functionality: 50/50
It's perfect for piercing stimulation.
I have all the happy feels regarding this.

Thanks Lovehoney!

FTC: Lovehoney provided Sex Toy Review Land with Sqweel Go free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used,  this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Sunday, December 29, 2013


For today's review, I'll be looking at the Cucumber by Damn Average. As always, click any image for a larger version!

 Size Comparison (Devil and Cush):

If you're having trouble eating enough daily vegetables, this dildo probably won't help, but it'll definitely be a more fun way to consume cucumbers.1 There are four Cucumbers in stock currently, and there is a hiatus on custom-made creations. The Cucumbers can come in near natural coloring (it has a lovely glimmer), or can be any solid color, glow in the dark, metallics, stripes, etc. This toy was actually molded from a homegrown cucumber, and has a small dirt base. Though in soft and super soft, the toy can't stand2, the base does work for easy grasping, harness play, and safe anal insertion. 

The Cucumber is on the long and slim side of things, with most of the circumference at six inches, the top portion is around four, while the insertable length is at seven and a half inches. The simple design is great for thrusting, and the toy gently inserts. For myself this is a great warm-up dildo before moving to bigger toys. There are a few minor raised pinprick bubbles on the Cucumber, but it's nothing that interferes with its functionality.

My Cucumber is cast in the super soft firmness, which is a little softer than Bad Dragon's soft. Although I didn't find this too soft for the Orc, it was a little too soft for this toy, and I'd recommend going with soft or hard. Soft is comparable to slightly stale gummy candy, and hard is like salami- though bendier. The super soft was too floppy for me to use anally3, and even when using vaginally, the Cucumber needed to be inserted halfway before any thrusting was possible. This degree of softness also dials back the textures, which is unfortunate for this model as the Cucumber's bumps would be far more exciting in soft or hard. On the bright side, the super soft is the squishiest silicone I've ever tried, and thus I was able to painlessly use it while sore and menstruating. If you're into play related to falling asleep with a toy inserted or being awoken with one, the super soft is squishy enough for comfy sleep play.

At this point, you may be thinking that you should just buy a natural cucumber, as they are a fairly cheap veggie, and worst case scenario, you'll be out fifty cents4. However, with an edible cucumber you wouldn't be able to safely engage in anal play or easily attach it to a harness. For vaginal use, you'd need to use condoms to ensure hygiene. Finally, even if you found the perfect cucumber, it would still perish. If you're curious about vegetable play and have a vagina, that would be a good place to start, but for a long term toy or another orifice, you'll want to go silicone.   

1The only other silicone cucumber I've found is this wine cork.
2The jury's still out on if it can stand with a hard firmness.
3 Which is very disappointing, as I bet this would make a fabulous anal dildo and double-penetration toy.
4Or more perhaps if it's organic/depending on where you live- hopefully you're not from Falkland.

Grade Breakdown: 84

Value: 4/5

Aesthetics: 17/20
The light shimmer in the green and brown 
keeps this toy from being dull.

Pleasure: 63/75
Intended Functionality: 4/5
Reusability: 14/20
This one collects even more lint than the other DA toys,
it needs the most bath time.
Best Functionality: 45/50
Comfortable penetration even when sore,
the shape and super softness were both conducive to this.

Thanks Damn Average!
FTC: Damn Average provided Sex Toy Review Land with the Cucumber free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of the opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Jackhammer Jesus

For today's review, just in time for the holidays, I'll be looking at Jackhammer Jesus by Divine Interventions. As always, click any image to see a larger version!

Back (cosmetic damage):
Head close up:

 Jackhammer Jesus is one of the more provocative Divine Interventions creations, and certainly the most provocative toy I own. People new to my collection often eye gigantic fantasy cocks, long knives, and a ridiculous amount of partially used lube bottles1, without comment; but talking tends to start the moment they see a silicone crucifix.

Jackhammer Jesus checks in at an insertable seven and a half inches, with a width of an inch and three-quarters. The cross top allows for both harness use and safe anal play, it's also a great handle. Divine Interventions' silicone is on the firm side, and also fairly static-y. Beyond blue, this toy comes in red, purple, black, gray, gold, and glow in the dark. As you can see in the image above of the toy's back, there was a cosmetic defect which did not affect use.

The start of this dildo is fabulous, with a sloped head and three ribs for stimulation. The feet unfortunately, are rather abrupt. Even with lots of lube, I found them uncomfortable during insertion. For vaginal use, after a few thrusts any discomfort went away, and the feet tended to press against my g-spot. Between the ridges rubbing against my vaginal walls and feet kicking my g-spot, this dildo was particularly orgasmic and easy to produce multiple orgasms with.2 For anal use, the feet made any thrusts have too much drag, though stationary use like a plug was fine.

1Does anyone here actually finish their lube? I always pause once it's halfway empty unless I have another bottle of the exact brand and style.
2After around a dozen I lost count.

Grade Breakdown: 87

Value: 3/5
This is a bit high for a dildo with cosmetic faults.

Aesthetics: 15/20
The divot detracts,
but the silicone is really pretty.

Pleasure: 69/75
Intended Pleasure: 4/5
Reusability: 17/20
Lint magnet.
Best Functionality: 48/50
G-spotting. Kinking Jesus.

FTC: Divine Interventions provided Sex Toy Review Land with Jackhammer Jesus free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


For today's review, I'll be looking at Flint by Bad Dragon. As always, click any image to see a larger version!


(or pretty sparkles and lint:)

Flint is a monster.1 The dildo pictured above is a small. This is the first Bad Dragon toy I've disagreed with their sizing on. Due to its width, at two and a half inches, I'd classify it as a medium even if it is short enough to pass off as a small. Below are the specs for the small and the three even larger sizes:

Dimensions (inches)SmallMediumLargeExtra Large
Total Length7.008.5011.0013.00
Usable Length5.506.508.5010.00
Circumference of Shaft7.509.0011.1313.50
Diameter of Shaft2.503.003.254.25
Circumference of Head5.506.257.258.75

Like all Bad Dragon toys, there are a ton of customizable features. To start with, there are three different firmnesses: soft, medium, and hard. I went with the medium firmness to make sure I'd be able to feel the studs, but still have some squish. Generally I'd recommend the medium firmness, but if you are worried about Flint's girth, then soft is the way to go. At this time, Flint does not have a suction cup in any size. Cumtubes are available in all sizes though, which come with a bottle of cumlube. For coloration, almost anything can be done with marbles, stripes, metallics, and glow in the dark. Flint does have some rather lovely toy-specific colors, which you can view here. My Flint is in Sinister Pumpkin, a super gorgeous orange/blue-black marble, and it even has a bowler hat2. This color can in fact be ordered at any time of year, as a blank custom marble with a comment on the checkout page that the toy is intended to be Sinister Pumpkin.

Though Flint certainly needed lube, due to the lack of knot and gradual size increase I only needed four drops. This is a smooth hefty toy, and has a solid base for gripping. The scales/plates are as fabulous as they look, especially for textured thrusting. The foreskin was also fairly noticeable, and my vagina focused on it rather than the tip of the head during penetration. Luckily for myself, Flint's foreskin did not pop under my pubic bone, but I expect for some vulva owning users, Flint may. The middle has a slight bulge to ensure a full feeling. This toy also has a few fun rivulets, such as the two near the top of the base for bottoming-out easily3. My favorite thing about the Flint, is that it not only stretches, but is also easy to take entirely. As much as I love Bad Dragon's Bruiser and Xar, both of them take a while to engulf. Flint can actually be used for a quick session. This toy also gives a strong feeling of emptiness or stretchiness after being removed. Flint is safe for anal use, though far too large for myself. All in all, this is certainly a lovely toy for size queens.

Coming out of the Bad Dragon Labs, this was the first staff pick chosen for full production. The sketches there are fun to browse, and if inspired, you can submit a design for a new Bad Dragon toy!  

1 Wait...haven't I already started a review like this?  
3 Note: easily as the width wasn't too much for me. I would not recommend this toy to people who have not tried two inch wide dildos or larger.
Grade Breakdown: 96

Value: 4/5

Aesthetics: 20/20
I am in love with this marble.

Pleasure: 72/75
Intended Pleasure: 5/5
Reusability: 17/20
Like many silicone toys, Flint is a lint magnet.
Also due to Flint's width, I could not use it doggy-style.
Best Functionality: 50/50
Stretching and feeling like your orifice is such a champ.

Thanks Bad Dragon!

FTC: Bad Dragon provided Sex Toy Review Land with Flint free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.