Friday, November 29, 2013


For today's review, I'll be looking at the Alien by Damn Average. As always, click any image to see a larger version!


Size comparisons:
(God's Immaculate Rod, Leo, Satin)

This gorgeous beast is the first of the Damn Average set I'll be reviewing. Aliens can be custom ordered, or chosen if in stock.1 Colors and firmnesses are customizable for all Damn Average toys. For color, any solid color (including metallic and glow-in-the-dark) or two-color marble is included in the custom cost. Additional colors, fades, gradients, and stripes can all be purchased as add-ons. For firmness levels, there is hard, soft, and super soft. Damn Average runner, Sheep, describes hard as being comparable to salami, soft as partly stale gummy candy, and super soft as similar to Bad Dragon's soft. Though I agree with the first two, I found the super soft a little softer than Bad Dragon's soft. With this Alien, I went with soft, which was definitely the right decision, and what I'd recommend. The soft was gentle enough so that none of the barbs caught or caused later soreness, and it was firm enough to appreciate all the bumps and ridges.

I preferred this toy for vaginal use, it's ridges massaged my vaginal walls, and the base is great to grind against. The ridges also make for fabulous thrusting, and can invoke squirting. However given the small base and short length of the dildo (five and a quarter inches), the base becomes slippery rather easily, and harder to thrust quickly with. Personally, I found it too textured for anal play, but if inclined, it does have just enough of a base for safe anal play.

As with any pure silicone toy, the Alien can be boiled clean, hand washed, or cleaned with a toy cleaner. Damn Average's silicone is a complete lint magnet, and requires cleaning pretty much right before use. I found a few random pinprick sized raised bumps, but these didn't have any negative impact during use.

1Right now there's a gorgeous soft indigo/black marble in stock, someone needs to buy it.

Grade Breakdown: 92

Value: 5/5

Aesthetics: 20/20
This is such a super gorgeous tight marble.

Pleasure: 67/75
Intended Functionality: 4/5
Reusability: 17/20
Best Functionality: 46/50
My only function-based complaint
is that the base doesn't work well for fast thrusting.

Thanks Damn Average!

FTC: Damn Average provided Sex Toy Review Land with the Alien free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of the opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Twisted Triplets Nipple and Clit Suckers

For today's review, I'll be looking at Twisted Triplets Nipple and Clit Suckers by Size Matters. As always, click any image to see a larger version!

In use:

These suckers are intended for sensitizing nipples and clitorises, but can be used on almost any area. These are applied by placing the sucker on a flat stretch of skin, and turning the top clockwise. The toys are easily strengthened by continuing to turn, or removed by turning counter-clockwise. When used without any lubricant, I found the suckers would not completely seal and thus would tip over fairly easily. However, with a dab of lube, the suction stayed strong unless vigorous movement occurred.

For toys designed for nipples and clitorises, the suction area is fairly large, with a diameter of 3/4 of an inch. Many users may find that the suckers also puff up their areolae, which may not be a positive thing if you're aiming for nipple play. For myself, I was easily able to sensitize my areolae, but not my nipples. For clitoral play, I had difficulty getting the suction cup on a flat enough surface to work. Other parts of my vulva worked better, such as my inner and outer labia, and mons pubis.

These are an interesting alternative to clamps, as the suckers don't have such a sharp bite. If left on long enough, when removed there will be a circular imprint.1 The twisted triplets can be used alone or with partner(s), and other toys. They will not retain suction with a vibrator near them though. Made of ABS plastic, these can be easily cleaned with warm water and soap.

1And if you make five imprints overlapping each other, you too can win the kinky Olympics. Bonus points if you dribble different colored wax on each ring.

Grade Breakdown:70

Value: 3/5

Aesthetics: 5/20
Perhaps if the plastic tops were red, 
or the tube were tinted I'd find it pretty.

Pleasure: 62/75
Intended Functionality: 1/5
It didn't work for the two areas it was advertized for.
Reusability: 16/20
Easy to clean, though not to totally sterilize.
Best Functionality: 45/50
Long-term suction with minimal movement.

Thank you Uberkinky!

FTC: Uberkinky provided Sex Toy Review Land with the Twisted Triplets Nipple and Clit Suckers free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of the opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Koala: Papaya Mango, S'mores, and Strawberry Margarita

Today I'll be looking at three flavored lubricants from Nature Lovin' Lubricants' Koala line. Click either image to see a larger version!

The Koala line is fairly extensive with flavors like Mojito, Tiramisu, and Orange Creamsickle. I requested the chance to review some of the Koala line, as I'd already tried the Raspberry Chessecake- and it was wicked delicious. Unfortunately the flavors I tested, weren't as awesome.

Strawberry Margarita was the worst, tasting disturbingly similar to cough syrup. The S'mores flavor is good, but really sweet, and I didn't want more than a few licks of it. Finally Papaya Mango was my favorite of the bunch with a lovely mango aftertaste- though I still preferred the Raspberry Cheesecake flavor. Koala does offer sample packets, or taste buds, so you can pick out your favorite before committing to an entire bottle.

Scent-wise, all of the flavors' scents matched, and were fairly strong. These lubes are on the thin side, and with rubbing quickly absorb into skin. These are glycerin and paraben free. As these are water-based lubricants, they don't stain, can be washed away easily, and are safe to use with any toys.

Due to the thinness and absorbancy rate, I wouldn't advise the Koala line for anything other than oral play. Depending on flavor, some of the Koala line will make genitals taste like their flavor, while others won't. With these three, the S'mores and Strawberry Margarita masked, and the Papaya Mango did not. As with any lubricant, I would recommend testing for an allergic reaction on one's wrist or upper thigh before using genitally. 

Ingredients: Deionized Water, Propylene Glycol, Carrageenan, Hydroxyethyl Cellulose, Sodium Lactate, Citric Acid, Sodium Benzoate, Potassium Sorbate, Dimethyl Polysiloxane, Royal Jelly, L-Lysine, Natural & Artificial Flavors

Grade Breakdown: 72

 Value: 3/5

Aesthetics: 18/20
The bears are pretty cute.

Pleasure: 51/75
Intended Function: 4/5
The flavors are strong in scent and taste.
Reusability: 10/20
To actually use as a lube,
you have to use triple the amount.
Best Function: 37/50 
 For oral play.

FTC: Nature Lovin' Lubricants provided Sex Toy Review Land with three bears from the Koala line free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.