Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Sqweel Go

For today's review, I'll be looking at the Sqweel Go by Lovehoney. This is the latest iteration of the Sqweel, and I have the Sqweel 2 review here. As always, click any image to see a larger version!


Versus the Sqweel 2:
 Bottom/charging point:
 In motion:

The Sqweel Go1 was a very pleasant surprise for me- I was initially worried that due to it's tiny size it simply wouldn't cut it. Instead, it quickly became my favored Sqweel. At around three inches long, it's half the size of my palm and very easy to manipulate. Although it's loud for a toy its size, in the grand scheme of things, it's a reasonable volume. This Sqweel has three speeds and three patterns, and charges via usb port. It charges for two hours for an hour of play, and glows blue while charging. The wheel does not detach for sterilization like in the previous two versions; this is unfortunate as it would probably make for a great rimming toy. This toy requires a ton of water-based lube for it's size, and the easiest application is to roll the Sqweel through a palm full of lube.2  

As with the previous Sqweels, though they are marketed as oral sex stimulators, they simply don't feel like it.3 This Sqweel is especially great at nipple stimulation and piercing stimulation. In fact if it weren't for my vch piercing, I doubt I would have enjoyed this toy simply as a foreplay tool. With my piercing out, I found the Sqweel Go to be too featherlight for any notable orgasms. Unfortunately I don't have any other piercings to compare it to, but the Sqweel Go is the only external vibrator I've used so far that is purely pleasurable against my piercing.

Unfortunately the Sqweel Go still has a major pitfall that the other Sqweels have- when pressure is applied, it stops rotating. Though this Sqweel is a little faster than the Sqweel 2, it's still not strong enough to withstand moving hips. Unless you're really into edge play, this is one of the most annoying faults when approaching orgasm. It's also fairly difficult to clean as the wheel doesn't detach. The tininess of the tongues also cover less area than previous sqweels, which may be unattractive to some users. Due to its small size though, it can be used easily with insertable toys. The Sqweel Go is not waterproof, though it is splash proof, so cleaning needs to be done carefully to avoid water getting in the motor. Cleaning the tongues with a toothbrush and then washing them off by rotation under running water seems to be the best way to clean this toy. Alternatively one could use a toy cleaner or wipes.

All in all, the Sqweel 2 is a better bet if you're looking for a toy to stimulate rimming or want larger areas covered, and you don't mind a loud toy. The Sqweel Go is superior for foreplay- especially nipple play, using with other toys, and piercing stimulation. 

1 I can't stop imagining a small dog named Sqweel, and yelling at the dog to go fetch something.  
2 Please use lube with this toy. It's not worth the awkward dry tugs and pulls to save a few drops of lube.
3 I'm betting on the lack of warmth, breath, and that the ten tongues can only rotate rather than do randomized motions.

Grade Breakdown: 90

Value: 3/5
A bit pricey, and the
same cost as the Sqweel 2.

Aesthetics: 19/20
Pretty adorable.

Pleasure: 68/75
Intended Functionality: 0/5
Simply doesn't feel like oral sex.
Reusability: 18/20
A bit annoying to clean.
Best Functionality: 50/50
It's perfect for piercing stimulation.
I have all the happy feels regarding this.

Thanks Lovehoney!

FTC: Lovehoney provided Sex Toy Review Land with Sqweel Go free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used,  this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Sunday, December 29, 2013


For today's review, I'll be looking at the Cucumber by Damn Average. As always, click any image for a larger version!

 Size Comparison (Devil and Cush):

If you're having trouble eating enough daily vegetables, this dildo probably won't help, but it'll definitely be a more fun way to consume cucumbers.1 There are four Cucumbers in stock currently, and there is a hiatus on custom-made creations. The Cucumbers can come in near natural coloring (it has a lovely glimmer), or can be any solid color, glow in the dark, metallics, stripes, etc. This toy was actually molded from a homegrown cucumber, and has a small dirt base. Though in soft and super soft, the toy can't stand2, the base does work for easy grasping, harness play, and safe anal insertion. 

The Cucumber is on the long and slim side of things, with most of the circumference at six inches, the top portion is around four, while the insertable length is at seven and a half inches. The simple design is great for thrusting, and the toy gently inserts. For myself this is a great warm-up dildo before moving to bigger toys. There are a few minor raised pinprick bubbles on the Cucumber, but it's nothing that interferes with its functionality.

My Cucumber is cast in the super soft firmness, which is a little softer than Bad Dragon's soft. Although I didn't find this too soft for the Orc, it was a little too soft for this toy, and I'd recommend going with soft or hard. Soft is comparable to slightly stale gummy candy, and hard is like salami- though bendier. The super soft was too floppy for me to use anally3, and even when using vaginally, the Cucumber needed to be inserted halfway before any thrusting was possible. This degree of softness also dials back the textures, which is unfortunate for this model as the Cucumber's bumps would be far more exciting in soft or hard. On the bright side, the super soft is the squishiest silicone I've ever tried, and thus I was able to painlessly use it while sore and menstruating. If you're into play related to falling asleep with a toy inserted or being awoken with one, the super soft is squishy enough for comfy sleep play.

At this point, you may be thinking that you should just buy a natural cucumber, as they are a fairly cheap veggie, and worst case scenario, you'll be out fifty cents4. However, with an edible cucumber you wouldn't be able to safely engage in anal play or easily attach it to a harness. For vaginal use, you'd need to use condoms to ensure hygiene. Finally, even if you found the perfect cucumber, it would still perish. If you're curious about vegetable play and have a vagina, that would be a good place to start, but for a long term toy or another orifice, you'll want to go silicone.   

1The only other silicone cucumber I've found is this wine cork.
2The jury's still out on if it can stand with a hard firmness.
3 Which is very disappointing, as I bet this would make a fabulous anal dildo and double-penetration toy.
4Or more perhaps if it's organic/depending on where you live- hopefully you're not from Falkland.

Grade Breakdown: 84

Value: 4/5

Aesthetics: 17/20
The light shimmer in the green and brown 
keeps this toy from being dull.

Pleasure: 63/75
Intended Functionality: 4/5
Reusability: 14/20
This one collects even more lint than the other DA toys,
it needs the most bath time.
Best Functionality: 45/50
Comfortable penetration even when sore,
the shape and super softness were both conducive to this.

Thanks Damn Average!
FTC: Damn Average provided Sex Toy Review Land with the Cucumber free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of the opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Jackhammer Jesus

For today's review, just in time for the holidays, I'll be looking at Jackhammer Jesus by Divine Interventions. As always, click any image to see a larger version!

Back (cosmetic damage):
Head close up:

 Jackhammer Jesus is one of the more provocative Divine Interventions creations, and certainly the most provocative toy I own. People new to my collection often eye gigantic fantasy cocks, long knives, and a ridiculous amount of partially used lube bottles1, without comment; but talking tends to start the moment they see a silicone crucifix.

Jackhammer Jesus checks in at an insertable seven and a half inches, with a width of an inch and three-quarters. The cross top allows for both harness use and safe anal play, it's also a great handle. Divine Interventions' silicone is on the firm side, and also fairly static-y. Beyond blue, this toy comes in red, purple, black, gray, gold, and glow in the dark. As you can see in the image above of the toy's back, there was a cosmetic defect which did not affect use.

The start of this dildo is fabulous, with a sloped head and three ribs for stimulation. The feet unfortunately, are rather abrupt. Even with lots of lube, I found them uncomfortable during insertion. For vaginal use, after a few thrusts any discomfort went away, and the feet tended to press against my g-spot. Between the ridges rubbing against my vaginal walls and feet kicking my g-spot, this dildo was particularly orgasmic and easy to produce multiple orgasms with.2 For anal use, the feet made any thrusts have too much drag, though stationary use like a plug was fine.

1Does anyone here actually finish their lube? I always pause once it's halfway empty unless I have another bottle of the exact brand and style.
2After around a dozen I lost count.

Grade Breakdown: 87

Value: 3/5
This is a bit high for a dildo with cosmetic faults.

Aesthetics: 15/20
The divot detracts,
but the silicone is really pretty.

Pleasure: 69/75
Intended Pleasure: 4/5
Reusability: 17/20
Lint magnet.
Best Functionality: 48/50
G-spotting. Kinking Jesus.

FTC: Divine Interventions provided Sex Toy Review Land with Jackhammer Jesus free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


For today's review, I'll be looking at Flint by Bad Dragon. As always, click any image to see a larger version!


(or pretty sparkles and lint:)

Flint is a monster.1 The dildo pictured above is a small. This is the first Bad Dragon toy I've disagreed with their sizing on. Due to its width, at two and a half inches, I'd classify it as a medium even if it is short enough to pass off as a small. Below are the specs for the small and the three even larger sizes:

Dimensions (inches)SmallMediumLargeExtra Large
Total Length7.008.5011.0013.00
Usable Length5.506.508.5010.00
Circumference of Shaft7.509.0011.1313.50
Diameter of Shaft2.503.003.254.25
Circumference of Head5.506.257.258.75

Like all Bad Dragon toys, there are a ton of customizable features. To start with, there are three different firmnesses: soft, medium, and hard. I went with the medium firmness to make sure I'd be able to feel the studs, but still have some squish. Generally I'd recommend the medium firmness, but if you are worried about Flint's girth, then soft is the way to go. At this time, Flint does not have a suction cup in any size. Cumtubes are available in all sizes though, which come with a bottle of cumlube. For coloration, almost anything can be done with marbles, stripes, metallics, and glow in the dark. Flint does have some rather lovely toy-specific colors, which you can view here. My Flint is in Sinister Pumpkin, a super gorgeous orange/blue-black marble, and it even has a bowler hat2. This color can in fact be ordered at any time of year, as a blank custom marble with a comment on the checkout page that the toy is intended to be Sinister Pumpkin.

Though Flint certainly needed lube, due to the lack of knot and gradual size increase I only needed four drops. This is a smooth hefty toy, and has a solid base for gripping. The scales/plates are as fabulous as they look, especially for textured thrusting. The foreskin was also fairly noticeable, and my vagina focused on it rather than the tip of the head during penetration. Luckily for myself, Flint's foreskin did not pop under my pubic bone, but I expect for some vulva owning users, Flint may. The middle has a slight bulge to ensure a full feeling. This toy also has a few fun rivulets, such as the two near the top of the base for bottoming-out easily3. My favorite thing about the Flint, is that it not only stretches, but is also easy to take entirely. As much as I love Bad Dragon's Bruiser and Xar, both of them take a while to engulf. Flint can actually be used for a quick session. This toy also gives a strong feeling of emptiness or stretchiness after being removed. Flint is safe for anal use, though far too large for myself. All in all, this is certainly a lovely toy for size queens.

Coming out of the Bad Dragon Labs, this was the first staff pick chosen for full production. The sketches there are fun to browse, and if inspired, you can submit a design for a new Bad Dragon toy!  

1 Wait...haven't I already started a review like this?  
3 Note: easily as the width wasn't too much for me. I would not recommend this toy to people who have not tried two inch wide dildos or larger.
Grade Breakdown: 96

Value: 4/5

Aesthetics: 20/20
I am in love with this marble.

Pleasure: 72/75
Intended Pleasure: 5/5
Reusability: 17/20
Like many silicone toys, Flint is a lint magnet.
Also due to Flint's width, I could not use it doggy-style.
Best Functionality: 50/50
Stretching and feeling like your orifice is such a champ.

Thanks Bad Dragon!

FTC: Bad Dragon provided Sex Toy Review Land with Flint free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Friday, November 29, 2013


For today's review, I'll be looking at the Alien by Damn Average. As always, click any image to see a larger version!


Size comparisons:
(God's Immaculate Rod, Leo, Satin)

This gorgeous beast is the first of the Damn Average set I'll be reviewing. Aliens can be custom ordered, or chosen if in stock.1 Colors and firmnesses are customizable for all Damn Average toys. For color, any solid color (including metallic and glow-in-the-dark) or two-color marble is included in the custom cost. Additional colors, fades, gradients, and stripes can all be purchased as add-ons. For firmness levels, there is hard, soft, and super soft. Damn Average runner, Sheep, describes hard as being comparable to salami, soft as partly stale gummy candy, and super soft as similar to Bad Dragon's soft. Though I agree with the first two, I found the super soft a little softer than Bad Dragon's soft. With this Alien, I went with soft, which was definitely the right decision, and what I'd recommend. The soft was gentle enough so that none of the barbs caught or caused later soreness, and it was firm enough to appreciate all the bumps and ridges.

I preferred this toy for vaginal use, it's ridges massaged my vaginal walls, and the base is great to grind against. The ridges also make for fabulous thrusting, and can invoke squirting. However given the small base and short length of the dildo (five and a quarter inches), the base becomes slippery rather easily, and harder to thrust quickly with. Personally, I found it too textured for anal play, but if inclined, it does have just enough of a base for safe anal play.

As with any pure silicone toy, the Alien can be boiled clean, hand washed, or cleaned with a toy cleaner. Damn Average's silicone is a complete lint magnet, and requires cleaning pretty much right before use. I found a few random pinprick sized raised bumps, but these didn't have any negative impact during use.

1Right now there's a gorgeous soft indigo/black marble in stock, someone needs to buy it.

Grade Breakdown: 92

Value: 5/5

Aesthetics: 20/20
This is such a super gorgeous tight marble.

Pleasure: 67/75
Intended Functionality: 4/5
Reusability: 17/20
Best Functionality: 46/50
My only function-based complaint
is that the base doesn't work well for fast thrusting.

Thanks Damn Average!

FTC: Damn Average provided Sex Toy Review Land with the Alien free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of the opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Twisted Triplets Nipple and Clit Suckers

For today's review, I'll be looking at Twisted Triplets Nipple and Clit Suckers by Size Matters. As always, click any image to see a larger version!

In use:

These suckers are intended for sensitizing nipples and clitorises, but can be used on almost any area. These are applied by placing the sucker on a flat stretch of skin, and turning the top clockwise. The toys are easily strengthened by continuing to turn, or removed by turning counter-clockwise. When used without any lubricant, I found the suckers would not completely seal and thus would tip over fairly easily. However, with a dab of lube, the suction stayed strong unless vigorous movement occurred.

For toys designed for nipples and clitorises, the suction area is fairly large, with a diameter of 3/4 of an inch. Many users may find that the suckers also puff up their areolae, which may not be a positive thing if you're aiming for nipple play. For myself, I was easily able to sensitize my areolae, but not my nipples. For clitoral play, I had difficulty getting the suction cup on a flat enough surface to work. Other parts of my vulva worked better, such as my inner and outer labia, and mons pubis.

These are an interesting alternative to clamps, as the suckers don't have such a sharp bite. If left on long enough, when removed there will be a circular imprint.1 The twisted triplets can be used alone or with partner(s), and other toys. They will not retain suction with a vibrator near them though. Made of ABS plastic, these can be easily cleaned with warm water and soap.

1And if you make five imprints overlapping each other, you too can win the kinky Olympics. Bonus points if you dribble different colored wax on each ring.

Grade Breakdown:70

Value: 3/5

Aesthetics: 5/20
Perhaps if the plastic tops were red, 
or the tube were tinted I'd find it pretty.

Pleasure: 62/75
Intended Functionality: 1/5
It didn't work for the two areas it was advertized for.
Reusability: 16/20
Easy to clean, though not to totally sterilize.
Best Functionality: 45/50
Long-term suction with minimal movement.

Thank you Uberkinky!

FTC: Uberkinky provided Sex Toy Review Land with the Twisted Triplets Nipple and Clit Suckers free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of the opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Koala: Papaya Mango, S'mores, and Strawberry Margarita

Today I'll be looking at three flavored lubricants from Nature Lovin' Lubricants' Koala line. Click either image to see a larger version!

The Koala line is fairly extensive with flavors like Mojito, Tiramisu, and Orange Creamsickle. I requested the chance to review some of the Koala line, as I'd already tried the Raspberry Chessecake- and it was wicked delicious. Unfortunately the flavors I tested, weren't as awesome.

Strawberry Margarita was the worst, tasting disturbingly similar to cough syrup. The S'mores flavor is good, but really sweet, and I didn't want more than a few licks of it. Finally Papaya Mango was my favorite of the bunch with a lovely mango aftertaste- though I still preferred the Raspberry Cheesecake flavor. Koala does offer sample packets, or taste buds, so you can pick out your favorite before committing to an entire bottle.

Scent-wise, all of the flavors' scents matched, and were fairly strong. These lubes are on the thin side, and with rubbing quickly absorb into skin. These are glycerin and paraben free. As these are water-based lubricants, they don't stain, can be washed away easily, and are safe to use with any toys.

Due to the thinness and absorbancy rate, I wouldn't advise the Koala line for anything other than oral play. Depending on flavor, some of the Koala line will make genitals taste like their flavor, while others won't. With these three, the S'mores and Strawberry Margarita masked, and the Papaya Mango did not. As with any lubricant, I would recommend testing for an allergic reaction on one's wrist or upper thigh before using genitally. 

Ingredients: Deionized Water, Propylene Glycol, Carrageenan, Hydroxyethyl Cellulose, Sodium Lactate, Citric Acid, Sodium Benzoate, Potassium Sorbate, Dimethyl Polysiloxane, Royal Jelly, L-Lysine, Natural & Artificial Flavors

Grade Breakdown: 72

 Value: 3/5

Aesthetics: 18/20
The bears are pretty cute.

Pleasure: 51/75
Intended Function: 4/5
The flavors are strong in scent and taste.
Reusability: 10/20
To actually use as a lube,
you have to use triple the amount.
Best Function: 37/50 
 For oral play.

FTC: Nature Lovin' Lubricants provided Sex Toy Review Land with three bears from the Koala line free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.  

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Grim Reaper

For today's review, I'll be looking at the Grim Reaper by Divine Interventions. Click any of the images for a larger version!


With the Devil:

I expected the Grim Reaper to be similar to the Devil- they're around the same size, seem to have the same amount of pointy-ness, have almost identical bases, and are about the same weight. They even both have raised arrows on their backs- though the Reaper's are closer together and also has a scythe. However while the Devil's pointy areas are slightly rounded (nose, horns, ears), the Reaper's hood is not rounded- those two tips are as pointy as they look.

Grim requires lots of water-based lube, and even then can still cause discomfort when inserting as the hood's points are at the beginning of the dildo. The only time I inserted this toy painlessly was after an orgasm, and even then Grim needed to be slathered in lube. Now for anyone who enjoys the bittersweet line between pain and pleasure, this is a lovely dildo. The two tips scratch against one's front vaginal wall in a pleasing manner1, and the Reaper's ridges make for great thrusting. I found doggy style put too much weight on the dildo's pointy areas, and crossed toeing the pleasure/pain line to death-needs-to-get-out-of-my-vagina-now. Also spinning death around while inserted was a terrible idea. Theoretically this toy can be used anally, though I suspect tears would be rather likely.

As the Reaper's hood overhangs its skull, this is a rather loud and squelchy toy.2 This is the only insertable toy I've ever used that has made me sore. That being said, I still anticipate using it for high energy/adrenalin self play. And if you're into that, or any sexual pain play, this is a fabulous dildo.

1If you want a gentler toy for front vaginal wall stimulation, check out the Cush
2 Also if you fall asleep post-orgasm and thus don't clean Grim, when you wake up your toy may have a cum grill. 

Grade Breakdown: 70

Value: 3/5

Aesthetics: 16/20
Also comes in gray, 
I find the other DI toys prettier.

Pleasure: 51/75
Intended Function: 2/5
Reusability: 14/20
 For a solid silicone toy, this is the most annoying one to clean;
even after a bath, I still had to toothbrush scrub clean the face.
Best Function: 35/50
Bittersweet orgasms.
This is the dildo if you want to ride that line.
Otherwise, for gentler with tons of texture, the Devil,
or smaller and smoother- God's Immaculate Rod.

FTC: Divine Interventions provided Sex Toy Review Land with the Grim Reaper free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of my opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.

Saturday, October 12, 2013


For today's review, I'll be looking at the Brief by RodeoH. As always, click any image to see a larger version!

 With Countess Clit:
 With the Gryphon:
With Leo/Bat Cock:

The Brief is a close fitting harness that avoids any of the hassle or awkwardness of straps. This easy-on harness is comfortable for short term or long term wear, making it a lovely choice for packing or substituting for underwear. Depending on how the Brief fits you dictates if you can switch dildos while wearing, naturally it is harder to do this with thicker dildos. There are nine different sizes, to ensure a close fit. The O-ring is non-interchangeable, and has a bit of stretch, but not that much. The ring has a diameter of one and a half inches, and can take slightly larger dildos/plugs if they are squishy.

Heavier dildos will droop and not be supported as well, making accurate movements more difficult. Users that only have experience with strap harnesses may find this harness a bit unwieldy at first. Due to the required tightness of this harness, it works best for vulva owners. There is a layer of material for a toy's base to avoid any chafing while the giver is thrusting.  

This is a definitely the sexiest harness I own.1 From the small splashes of red, to wearing it with low cut jeans so the lettering is visible, it's a blast. It also came with a RodeoH dogtag necklace, which is fun to wear around, especially if a partner has sexy associations with it.

1 This shouldn't be surprising, given their really pretty ads and tumblr.

Grade Breakdown: 92

Value: 4/5
At $45, it's an affordable first harness.

Aesthetics: 19/20
I really dig it, and the black/gray, red
and camo versions aren't too shabby either.

Pleasure: 69/75
Intended Functionality: 4/5
A lovely play harness, with minimal material 
between your partner and yourself.
Reusability: 20/20
Machine washable.
Best Functionality: 45/50
As a play harness it's lovely.
Unfortunately the o-ring can't be exchanged 
for a wider one, to accommodate a larger range of dildos/plugs.

Thank you RodeoH!

FTC: RodeoH provided Sex Toy Review Land withe the Brief free of charge for an honest review. Though links have been used, this has not altered any of the opinions stated within the review, and does comply with the FTC.